Episode: 3 (Season 4)

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Lila is looking at Billy's face.]

Lila: It's unbelievable.
Billy: Maybe it was the light from the copy machine.

(They start to walk through the office. Billy is pushing the mail cart.)

Lila: God, this day is amazing. I mean, you went and got cute...
Billy: You think?
Lila: Totally. And then my car loan comes through like out of nowhere. (They pass Paige's desk. Paige is on the phone and she smiles.) My credit is worse than Paige's. You know, I still can't believe all of this.
Billy: It's amazing.

(Billy and Lila walk away.)

Paige: (on phone) Sir, I am taking full responsibility for being late with the application. I'm simply asking for a deadline extension.
Man: (on phone) Well, I can't give you a deadline extension.
Paige: Well I'm asking that you not punish Adam O'Brien who's already had a tough enough life for my mistake. (listens) Sir, all I'm saying is... (She looks down at the Book of Shadows which is sitting on her lap.) "These words will travel through the minds of stubborn parties and unbind, the thoughts too ridged to be kind, a compromise they'll disentwine."
Man: (on phone) How does six o'clock on Friday sound?
Paige: Six o'clock Friday is perfect. Thank you so much. (She hangs up.) Victory! (Lila and Billy look over at her.)
Lila: You got the extension?
Paige: Yeah.

(Lila walks over to Paige.)

Lila: Unbelievable. You're into all that witchy stuff, right?
Paige: Excuse me?
Lila: Well, I'm just thinking there must be something in the stars today. I mean, Billy's face, my car, now this. Is there a full moon or something?
Paige: I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going to call my student loan sharks and take full advantage of it.
Lila: Ooh, good. Me too.

(Paige laughs. Lila walks away. Donnie comes up to her and stands behind her.)

Donnie: You know, Paige? (He talks in her ear.) As a lawyer, I can get those nasty creditors off your back so easily. And if you can't afford to pay me, we could always just take it out in trade.
Paige: Or I could just sue your ass for sexual harassment and pay you with my big fat punitive settlement.
Donnie: The way you dress, the judge would admire my restraint. (He walks away.)
Paige: That's it. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Perfect. I'll just change demon to dirtbag.

[Cut to outside SBSS. Piper and Phoebe get out of the car and walk towards the building.]

Piper: I don't understand how someone can be that stupid.
Phoebe: I don't understand why you haven't stopped ranting since we left the house.
Piper: You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Yes, Paige made a mistake.
Piper: A mistake? She stole from us.
Phoebe: She borrowed. Borrowed.
Piper: She-she threw our family heritage out of the window!
Phoebe: Well, that's because we never took the time to explain its significance. It was just a book to her.
Piper: Okay, Phoebe, it is not just a book. It's like, it-it-it is like a part of our family.

(Piper coughs. Phoebe puts her arm around Piper.)

Phoebe: Paige is not a killer. She didn't kill anyone. And she's not a demon that we're on our way to vanquish.
Piper: I get that Phoebe.
Phoebe: Do you? Because I don't think that you do. (Piper coughs.) You alright?

(Donnie runs out of the building with a bunch of women following him.)

Donnie: Hey! Hey! Get away from me! (They surround him.)
Piper: What the hell is going on?
Lila: Come on. Give Mama some sugar.

(He sinks to the ground and they fall all over him. Paige comes out of the building holding her bag so it covers her chest. She goes over to Piper and Phoebe.)

Piper: You are so... (They notice something wrong and opens her coat to reveal her very large breasts.) Busted?
Phoebe: Hello!
Piper: You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?
Paige: You think I did this on purpose? My body was perfectly fine just as it was. Thank you.
Donnie: I mean it! Get away from me! (Piper freezes the crowd.)
Phoebe: Piper, you could have just blown up a dozen innocent people.
Piper: I took a chance.
Phoebe: See? Are you listening to yourself?
Piper: (to Paige) What happened?
Paige: I don't know. They just... grew.
Piper: Oh, right. And you had nothing to do with that.
Phoebe: Did you cast any spells?
Paige: One. (Phoebe gives her a look.) Five.
Piper: Five?
Phoebe: Okay, what did you do just before you turned into Betty Boop?
Paige: Well, I cast a spell on this slimeball I work with so I could give him a taste of his own medicine.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. That the slimeball?

(Paige looks at Donnie and nods.)

Piper: And that's the backfire.
Paige: Backfire?
Phoebe: You misused magic to make him the object of ogling, and the spell backfired and did the same thing to you.
Piper: Which you would have learned if you had bothered to ask. But now instead of vanquishing demons, we're gonna have to spend the afternoon fixing your mess.
Phoebe: Okay, Piper, call Leo and get him to orb this slimeball back home. And we have to protect him until we can figure out a way to reverse the spell. Paige and I will grab the book and meet you there.

(Piper looks at Paige and shakes her head. She walks away. Paige looks down at her breasts.)

[Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are driving along the road in Paige's car. Paige is driving and Phoebe's sitting in the passenger seat looking through the Book of Shadows.]

Paige: Are my boobs gonna stay this way forever?
Phoebe: Not if I can ever find the spell.
Paige: What about Piper? Is she gonna stay mad at me forever?
Phoebe: No. It's just, um... she hasn't really been herself lately. You know, a lot of ups and downs since Prue, you know, like us all.
Paige: The last thing I wanted to do was add to you guys stress. I just wanted to get back at Donnie.
Phoebe: Yeah, and I understand the temptation, Paige, I really do. But I told you the book does not leave the house.
Paige: Right. Sorry. (She tries to change into third gear but has a little trouble.) My boobs are in the way. Can you put it into third for me?
Phoebe: Alright. Ready? Here we go. (Phoebe moves the gearstick into third. The tyres screech.) Alright.
Paige: Did you find the spell yet? (Phoebe finds a page about furies.)
Phoebe: No, but I found the demons. Oh my God.
Paige: What? You can't say demons followed by 'oh my god'. I'm new at this, I'm likely to panic.
Phoebe: Okay, uh, fury smoke kills bad guys, right? But in good people, it looks for a portal of unexpressed fury.
Paige: And?
Phoebe: It builds until it consumes your humanity and it turns you into a fury. Um, we fought the furies today. Piper got smoked.
Paige: Wait. Are you saying that Piper's turning into a demon?
Phoebe: It wouldn't be the first time. (Paige gives her a funny look.) Uh, step on it and hit the clutch. I'm going into fourth. Ready? On three. One, two, three. (She changes to fourth.)

[Cut to the manor. Donnie lands on the couch.]

Leo: Easy, Piper.
Piper: What, are you protecting him now?
Donnie: Wh-wh-what the hell is going on? And what's with the chicks? They've gone crazy.
Piper: This chick just saved your ass you snivelling ingrate. (Donnie gets up.)
Donnie: Do you see what I mean?
Piper: Who said you could get up? (She pushes him over the back of the couch.)
Leo: What's the matter with you? Okay, honey look, I don't know what's going on, but we really need to talk.
Piper: Leo, you know what? I'm sick of talking.

(Piper tries to blow Leo up but Leo orbs out in time. Piper goes over to Donnie. Leo orbs back in.)

Leo: Now we really need to talk. Piper, you do not use your powers on a mortal. (He stands behind her.) Do you hear me?

(Cole stands at the doorway.)

Cole: Back away slowly, Leo.
Leo: What?
Cole: She's becoming a fury. (Piper grows large black fingernails.) There's no reasoning with her now. (Leo stands in front of her.)
Leo: Piper, you're a good witch. Do you hear me? Fight this.

(Piper touches his face, then pushes him over the couch.)

Donnie: Oh God! Help!

(Piper goes over and scratches Donnie. Cole gets an energy ball ready. Piper picks up Donnie and blows smoke. Cole throws an energy ball at Piper which pushes her back. Phoebe and Paige walk in.)

Phoebe: Cole!
Cole: I, well...
Piper: That wasn't very nice. (She disappears.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is looking through the Book of Shadows, and Leo is kneeling beside Donnie, who is asleep on the couch.]

Leo: Cole hit her with an energy ball.
Phoebe: Leo, it was a low voltage. Would you prefer he'd let her kill an innocent?
Leo: I'd prefer that he wouldn't use his demonic powers on my wife. I can't believe that you let him go look for her.
Paige: Oh, this all my fault. I shouldn't have stolen the Book of Shadows.
Leo: You stole the Book of Shadows?
Phoebe: Leo, Leo. Concentrate please. (Leo heals Donnie's scratches.) I just hope he finds her fast because if this is anything like the time I turned into a Banshee, she's gonna be hungry for a kill. (Leo stands up.)
Paige: I'm sorry. A Banshee?
Phoebe: Yeah. Demonic screamer, kinda trampy, feeds on pain.
Paige: I think I need to sit down.

(She sits on the couch next to Donnie. Donnie wakes up and sits up and stares straight at Paige's breasts.)

Donnie: Whoa.

(Paige punches him in the face, knocking him out.)

Leo: Paige!

(Paige stands up.)

Paige: What? You only said I couldn't use magic to punish him.

(Phoebe stands up.)

Phoebe: Okay, Leo, you orb Donnie back to his office, heal him there, then make sure he doesn't nark us out for being witches.
Leo: How?
Phoebe: I don't know. Be creative.
Leo: What about Piper?

Phoebe: You have to do your job. And let us do ours. We'll get your wife back. I promise.

(Leo touches Donnie and they orb out. Phoebe and Paige sit on the couch.)

Paige: Um, I hate to ask, but how are we going to get his wife back? I mean, she's kind of a... full on demon.
Phoebe: No. She's not full on. She doesn't have the talons yet. That probably comes with the first kill. Besides, if we were able to save her when she turned into a Wendigo...
Paige: A Wendi-what?
Phoebe: Um, a Wendigo. It's kind of like a werewolf, only meaner. (She finds the Instant Karma Spell in the Book of Shadows.) Is this the spell that you used?
Paige: Uh-huh. (Phoebe picks up a notepad and pen.) Is there some sort of spell I could do, you know, in advance so I could, uh, not become maybe a Banshee or...
Phoebe: What word did you sub demon with?
Paige: Dirtbag.
Phoebe: Dirtbag. (She writes something down and scrunches up the paper up. She stands up.) Okay. (She gets Paige to stand up.) Hand. (They join hands. Phoebe burns the tip of the paper with a lit candle.) "Guided spirits, hear our plea, annul this magic, let it be."
Paige: Please let it be. (Paige's breasts return to normal size. She looks down and groans.) Do you think it worked a little too well?

[Scene: Alley. A man pushes another man against the wall. He holds a knife to his throat.]

Innocenet man: Anything you want.
Man: Shut up.

(Two furies come up behind him and one scratches his back. He spins around and the innocent runs away. The man hears voices in his head. He drops the knife and falls to his knees. The fury blows smoke in his mouth. He coughs and is engulfed in flames. He disappears. Piper appears in a puff of smoke behind them. They turn around and make purring-like noises.)

Piper: I've been looking for you.

[Cut to the manor. Dining room. Paige and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is scrying.]

Phoebe: Damn it.
Paige: Why isn't it working?
Phoebe: Because Piper isn't a witch anymore.
Paige: Can't you just scry for evil then?
Phoebe: Do you have any idea how much evil is running around San Francisco? (She stops scrying.) Damn it, Piper. (Cole shimmers in. He is bruised and scratched.) Cole. Thank God. (Phoebe hugs him.)
Cole: Don't thank me yet.
Paige: You didn't find her?
Cole: I didn't get a chance to look. Every time I used my sensing powers, a bounty hunter sensed me. I fought off three of them. (He sits down at the table.) I'm sorry.
Phoebe: No, it's-it's okay. I mean, somehow everything's gonna be okay. I-I don't have even a little idea of how everything's gonna be okay.
Paige: Phoebe...
Phoebe: You know why? Because nothing is okay.
Paige: Phoebe.
Phoebe: My sister is a fury, my boyfriend is a demon... Oh baby, you're bleeding. (She kneels down next to Cole.)
Paige: Phoebe. (Phoebe looks at her.) Didn't you say you found me because Piper cast a spell to find a lost witch?
Phoebe: Yes, but I also said that Piper's not a witch anymore.
Paige: Yes, but if I can substitute the word 'dirtbag' for 'demon', why can't we substitute the word 'sister' for 'witch'?
Cole: Will that work?
Phoebe: Well, n-no. Not if she's already looking for a kill. The call won't be strong enough.
Paige: Why not?
Phoebe: Because of the pull of evil. When I was possessed by the Woogie, the blood lust was so strong...
Cole: Woogie?
Paige: Don't ask.
Phoebe: The point is... I don't think she'll answer the call.

(Silence.)

Paige: Then we'll add bait.

(Paige glances at Cole, then looks at Phoebe. Phoebe looks at Cole and he looks back.)

Phoebe: No. No. Uh, no. Are you kidding me? No.
Paige: The furies go after evil doers, right?
Phoebe: Paige, we are not using the love of my life as bait.
Cole: Oh, yes we are. It's perfect.

(He stands up and goes near Paige.)

Phoebe: Cole, you have been a demon for over a century. That is a lot of victims. The pain of their cries alone can kill you.
Cole: Yes, but as you said, I'm not the demon that did those things anymore. And if facing my crimes helps save your sister...
Phoebe: Cole, I...
Cole: Phoebe. (He sits back down next to her.) I would do almost anything for you, you know that. But I will not be a coward for you. Please don't ask me to be. (Phoebe touches his face.)
Phoebe: We'll need some of your blood.
Cole: Right.
Paige: Knife. (A knife orbs from the table and into Paige's hand. She holds it out in front of Cole.)

[Time lapse. Phoebe and Paige are standing at the table. Phoebe is holding a knife above a lit candle.]

Phoebe/Paige: "Power of the sisters rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near..."

[Cut to the alley. The furies are touching Piper's hair. Piper is wearing fury clothes and has talons on her face. She hears Phoebe and Paige chanting.]

Phoebe/Paige: "Come to us and settle here. Blood to blood, I summon thee, blood to blood, return to me."
Piper: I know where evil dwells.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe, Paige and Cole are there. Cole is pacing.]

Phoebe: Are you sure about this?
Cole: I'm good at a lot of things. Waiting is not one of them.

(Paige makes a noise and throws her arms down.)

Phoebe: Honey, what are you doing?
Paige: I'm trying to do that orb thingy. I can't seem to get the hang of it though. (Cole yells in her face and she orbs in and out.) What happened?
Phoebe: You orbed.
Paige: I did?
Cole: It's a fear response.
Phoebe: So until you learn how to control it, you just have to...
Paige: Get scared?
Phoebe: Pretty much.
Paige: Alright. Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
Phoebe: Good. Then we will orb, we will levitate, we will juggle knives if we have to, just to keep the furies distracted from Cole.
Paige: Okay, but what I don't get is how we un-demon Piper when she gets here.
Phoebe: Well, we have to close the portal of unexpressed fury.
Cole: Unexpressed? I think she's been raging for days.
Phoebe: That's 'cause there's something she's not saying.
Paige: Which is?
Phoebe: I don't know, but I think I have an idea. (Cole yells out in pain and drops to his knees. He hears voices. Phoebe kneels beside him.) They're close? (Paige gets scared and orbs out. Phoebe stands up.) Paige?

(Paige orbs back in.)

Paige: I did it again.
Cole: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

(A fury barges in through the front door. Phoebe levitates and kicks her, knocking her down. She gets up and attacks Phoebe. Phoebe blocks and kicks her back down. Piper and the other fury appear behind Phoebe near Cole. Phoebe spins around.)

Paige: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Nice decoy, Piper. Two points. (She levitates and kicks them both, knocking them down. She sees Cole lying on the floor.) Cole. Come on. Come on. (She tries to get him up. The furies surround them.)
Paige: Lamp! (The lamp orbs out and it flies across the room hitting a fury. The furies turn around.) Sorry. (The furies go over to her.) Really sorry.

(Cole throws an energy ball at the two furies and kills them. Piper pushes Phoebe out of the way and scratches Cole's chest.)

Phoebe: Cole is not your problem, Piper, and you know it.

(Piper attacks Phoebe and Phoebe blocks her hits.)

Paige: Book! (The Book of Shadows orbs to her. She starts flipping through it.) Please let there be something in here.

(Phoebe kicks Piper down. Cole gets an energy ball ready.)

Phoebe: Cole, don't! (He stops the energy ball.) You think I abandoned you. You think it's my fault that Prue died. You blame me. You should just admit it.

(Piper sends Phoebe flying straight into a cabinet, smashing it. Piper goes over to Paige.)

Paige: You don't want to kill me, Piper, you don't even know me. (Cole goes over to Phoebe.) It's not about me. It's not about Phoebe, is it?
Phoebe: Leo! (Leo orbs in. Piper tries to scratch Paige, but she orbs out and back in behind Piper. Piper spins around.)
Paige: Phoebe's not the sister who abandoned you. It's Prue, isn't it? (Piper grabs Paige by the neck.)
Phoebe: Leo, do something.

(Leo grabs Piper and Paige and orbs out.)

Cole: Where'd he take them?
Phoebe: To what Piper's really angry at.

[Cut to a monastery. Leo orbs in with Piper and Paige. Piper backs away when she sees Prue's plaque.]

Paige: Tell her, Piper. It's alright to hate her. (Piper tries to get out but the doors are locked.) You should hate her. When my parents died, I hated them for it. I was alone, and I hated them. It is okay to hate Prue.

(Piper looks at Paige.)

Piper: How dare you! (She runs over to Prue's plaque and bangs on it.) How dare you leave me! How could you go and die and leave me here all alone? Please come back. I need you. (She starts to cry.) Please come back.

(She screams and sinks down on the ground. She sits there and bawls. She changes back to normal. Leo kneels down beside her.)

Leo: It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Piper: It's not okay. She risked her life everyday and she never thought about what would happen to me and Phoebe if she was gone. (Paige starts to cry for the sister she never knew.)
Leo: I know.
Piper: How did she think that I could live without her?

(Leo hugs her. Tears well up in Paige's eyes as she looks at Prue's plaque.)

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The next morning. Piper is there pouring two cups of coffee. Phoebe comes in and sits on a stool. Piper hands her a cup of coffee.]

Phoebe: Did you sleep?
Piper: Yeah, actually, better than I have in a while.
Phoebe: Mmm. It's quite, isn't it? Early and late. It's just really, really quite.
Piper: Prue was always the first one up, and the last one down. It's strange, the things that you miss. So, how scary was I?

(Phoebe laughs. Piper sits next to her.)

Phoebe: Heck, I've seen worse. I've been worse. But uh, but Paige...
Piper: She completely freaked.
Phoebe: No, uh, she handled it... better than most people would, I think. She saved your life. She definitely is a Halliwell, last name or no.
Piper: I know I haven't been the most welcoming. I just... I miss Prue so much. It's hard to imagine opening up to someone else. With everything that happens in our lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain.
Phoebe: So maybe, um... maybe you don't start with love. Maybe you just start with thanks.

Commercial Break

[Scene: South Bay Social Services. Piper walks in holding a basket of muffins. She spots Paige at her desk and walks over to her. She puts the basket on her desk. Paige looks up at her, surprised. She looks in the basket.]

Paige: Muffins. Thanks.
Piper: Busy work. I'm best in the kitchen. Prue was the one that liked to, uh, chase demons. (Paige sees Donnie.)
Paige: Man, he's like a whole new Donnie. What did Leo say to him?

(Piper looks over at Donnie. He smiles and walks past them.)

Piper: Um, I don't know. He's a miracle worker, that husband of mine.
Paige: So, how are you?
Piper: I've had, uh... bad hours. (She sits down.) And hours that aren't quite so bad. I guess you know how it is.
Paige: Yeah. When my parents died, there were some days I didn't think I'd survive the sadness. It'll never be okay that she's gone, Piper. But I promise, it will get better. (Piper sees scratches on Paige's neck.)
Piper: You know, Leo could fix that for you.
Paige: It's my first war wound. I think I'll wear it with pride.
Piper: Unfortunately in this family, it will not be the last.
Paige: Well, every family has its pros and it's cons. A couple of demon battles in exchange for the power to clear up my friend's skin? I'd say it's worth it.
Piper: The power to what? (They see Lila and Billy chatting across the room. Lila flirts a little.)
Paige: He's cute, isn't he? Well, you should have seen him yesterday. (Paige laughs.)
Piper: Okay, uh, you saved my life, so I guess we're even on the Book of Shadows swipe, but, um, Paige, there are rules to being a witch, rules that you will have to learn and follow.
Paige: Well, not to be difficult, but... you're married to our Whitelighter and Phoebe's shacking up with a demon. So, on balance, maybe my friend could stay cute?
Piper: Okay. (Mr. Cowan comes up to them.)
Mr. Cowan: My, my, my. That pile looks about the same size as it did about an hour ago. (Piper stands up.)
Piper: Oh, that was my fault. I distracted her with muffins.
Mr. Cowan: And you are?

(Piper looks at Paige then back at Mr. Cowan.)

Piper: I'm her sister.

(Piper smiles at Paige and leaves the office. Paige smiles a little to herself.)